Yeah, so as you can see I have commitment issues. I’ve been super excited because of the amount of feedback and comments I received about my friend Aliyah on the previous post and neglected you all maybe a tad bit interested in my life more than I am interested in it myself… I went through a week of discussing how and what I should bring forth to you all, but I always said “no…”! As a potential doctoral candidate, if I cannot keep commitments to writing a blog post, will I be as successful as I envision with my doctoral dissertations? Just thinking forward, it made me a little skeptical about my own sense of determination. I am sure this is strictly a small thought of low-confidence, but I am a little worried about my future even more than I was two posts ago. Where did I get such a lack of commitment from? I don’t know, but maybe a few stories can help us both out…
When I was in high school, I was elected to serve as some high position in Student Government (forgot), and I was always on time, always prepared, and always ready to do whatever at the drop of a hat… isn’t this a good thing? Well, I thought it was until I was prepared to assist with one of the events, but they wanted someone else… Someone else who was not as active as me, someone else who did not have the commitment I gave to the organization, and simply someone who looked better than me. From then, I made it a revengeful thought to think about what I should invest my time in and these revengeful thoughts have me on the edge of Narnia. But this is not it… I thought it was, but no… let’s try story number two.
When I was in college, I pushed myself to take 18 to 21 credit hours because I liked to maintain a busy schedule. Being idle is being unhelpful and I always love to help others (it’s the social worker/psychologist in me). At the same time, I was working three jobs and putting myself through school or putting my family through home while I suffer missing them so “through school”. Closer to my last year (formally known as my junior year, I graduated a year early), I only took 12 courses and scheduled them through the day and evening so I can have time during the day to watch Sister Sister and Reba. Let’s just say, these shows consumed me so much I neglected waking up for my 5:30 class and neglected going home to work. I became… lazy? I enjoyed sitting on my plumped bottom and not doing anything. I mean, I thought hey… I was in school, I will graduate and have a job where I can do absolutely NOTHING but still make money… boy how I was mistaken. So, yeah I will blame Reba and the Mowry twins for my lack of commitment … but it still doesn’t feel right… let’s try my last story (this has to be it)
As a young professional working at the college mentioned above in the previous story, I still haven’t learned what I want to do with my life or how to do it… all I know is that I have to please you all… I have to make YOU find purpose in my life and if I am not successful in my attempts, I do not try hard enough when I know it’s an ultimate failure to begin with… (I think we are heating it up). For example, while browsing LinkedIn one day, I realized I use to inbox people because of my curiosity on their success… but not because I was a moth, but because I was a leech. I like to suck the success out of others because that’s what I do best… I am a follower, but I do not know when I should lead? The most important persons are leaders and followers on demand, but I fake it until I make it. My confidence coach told me the reason why I never follow through with assignments is because I do not put myself first and I worry about pleasing others before pleasing myself. I never really looked at it that way… being a people pleaser is a common trait of first-generation students (and minority students) because we feel we have to prove something or we fall for anything. If we aligned ourselves with important people our label will be erased and we would be subjected to immediate glorification.
So, how does this revelation assist me going forward? At least I understand why I am never committed to anything. When someone else is successful, but they change course… I change course no matter how close I was to mastering the skill. I sometimes like to call myself a Jill of all Trades, but am I really a master of anything when I follow the lead of others who have paved a way in their careers… and I still haven’t. Well, there you have it. Story found, story known, story revealed… Thanks for listening!